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The Key to a Great Marriage is Harmony

Ask Yourself these four questions to keep your relationship in tune
Louis and Melissa McBurney | Outcomes, Jul/Aug 2007

Chad and Megan were in a mess. They had fallen in love, become engaged and exchanged their wedding vows with the high hopes of living happily ever after. They were supremely confident that their marriage would not only bring them fulfillment and joy, but also enable them to be more effective in their service to God. Both had felt a strong call to ministry, and knew a stable marriage would provide a solid platform for meeting the demands of their call.

Now, after seven years, three ministry moves and two children, they no longer felt blissfully in love. They didn't even like each other much! But they still believed marriage was God's idea and was designed to be "good."

Like most Americans, they were desperate for a simple, quick fix: "The Ten Foolproof Solutions to Your Marital Woes," or "The Three Secrets of Successful Couples." Unfortunately, there are no easy answers for marital conflict. There are, however, some common issues that often contribute to the problems. We've found that asking yourself these questions may help you discover some keys to rekindling your love.

1. How do I feel about myself?

Perhaps the most frequent issue individuals struggle with is self-worth. Most individuals aren't sure about their own value as a person. Chad and Megan each had doubts about their adequacy.

Chad was the oldest child in his family, with three younger siblings. Like most oldest sons, he felt lots of responsibility. His rather perfectionist parents had high expectations for him. He did feel occasional approval, if he did well in school, but even that rare praise was usually qualified. His father would say: "Good job, but it could have been better. Why did you make that B+ and not all As?"

Chad entered adulthood with heavy pressure to please everyone, yet also believing he could never be good enough. He poured himself into his ministry at the expense of Megan and their children.

Megan was a middle child and did feel "invisible." People who feel this way believe they aren't listened to, not taken into account or acknowledged. Her older brother and younger sister (the princess) seemed to get more attention. Megan came to believe she'd never be good enough to get approval.

Being married to a pastor felt the same way. She was still invisible. Her hurt and resentment just continued to grow. She really doubted her worth as a person.

When these doubts exist, a person tends to be self-effacing, defensive, and self-centered. Much energy and focus are on finding acceptance. This can be through appearance, accomplishment, power, or even service to others. When these are insufficient, the anxiety and sense of failure tend to inhibit intimacy. In a way, the person's self-talk is shouting, "Nobody can really love me, and I'm not going to allow anyone to hurt me."